| I DO NOT USE THIS JOURNAL. |
[Nov. 2nd, 2005|08:44 am] |
ever. If you want to read my blog it's here. I only keep an LJ so that I can comment on the blogs of my friends and whatnot.
Thanks :) |
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| a girl who's to sad to give a fuck... |
[Jan. 10th, 2005|07:13 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "Lover I don't have to love" - Bright Eyes | ] |
I'm Lauren. This is where I am in my life.
I'm not adjusting to University very well... in the social aspect that is. While all the girls in my building, and all around campus in fact, are cliquing together and forming tight friendships that are supposed to last for years to come - I spend my time either alone at my computer, or with my boyfriend.
I can always hear kids in the hallway outside my room laughing together and calling each others names. I would love to have that. I never really had a consistent group of friends in highschool. My mom said that I would make friends in Univeristy. I've made a few - but nothing like what I thought. If it weren't for Troy I'd be alone most of the time. Then again, if it weren't for Troy I'd probably be forced into making friends...
I always worry that the girls I see around are prettier than me, thinner than me, more talented than me. I'm like a small fish in a big pond, where before I was just a small fish in a small pond. There weren't this many beautiful girls in highschool. They have Louis Vitton purses and their hair is always perfect. I feel like a bum wearing a sweatshirt and jeans to class when the girl beside me looks like she spent 3 hours getting ready.
I wish that I could erase from my memory all of the things that have scarred me in the past. I wish I could only recall good memories from elementary school and high school.
I didn't make the dance team. I'm not making friends. I'm prostituting myself online for dirty old men and it makes me feel like shit. Why the fuck am I doing it? It makes me feel like a model in one sense - I'm admired, adored, and complimented constantly. I see images of myself all over the internet - It's a taste of stardom. In another sense, I feel guilty and gross. I feel ashamed and embarrased. Most of all, I know that it would hurt my parents if they knew what I was doing. That's the worst feeling of all.
I desperately want to make my parents proud.
I want to be different and unique and cool... I want people to think I'm a really cool, neat, likable person. I want girls to be jealous of me, yet I want them to be my friends at the same time. I'm not unique, and I don't really think that anyone is all that unique. We're all motivated by the same things, and we all feel the same emotions.
I feel sick and bloated from the geneticaly modified giant chicken breast I just ate in the school's cafeteria. Chicken breast shouldn't come with brown blobs in it. Maybe the chickens wouldn't have tumors if they weren't fed hormones to mutate their genes.
I love Billy Talent.
This is my livejournal and I can whine as much as I want. Things could be a lot worse for me, and I know it - but I'm also a very unhappy girl sometimes, and everyone needs to vent.
I suspect that I will be writing in this journal a lot when I forget to take my medicine.
Fuck it.
-Lauren |
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| get here soon... |
[Jan. 10th, 2005|12:18 am] |
I miss my Troy boy.
I don't want to be back in school... bah. I don't have anything to write about right now really. Maybe I'll post again when I do. |
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